A question for the masses
Dec. 30th, 2003 01:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azuriteCan you pinpoint a time, a moment, a decision, a second when you KNEW you had made the biggest mistake of your life up to that point?
I can.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about Chris since he showed up at the theater, and today I just broke down. I am such a fuck-up. I screwed up royally, big-time, immensely, impossibly! I am humiliated, embarrassed, saddened, heartbroken...
I missed my one chance to ask him all these pent up questions inside myself for nearly 5 years now. I missed my chance to ask him how he was, where he's been, how's his mom, how's his cat, how was high school, does he have a girlfriend, why is he in the Marines, is he going to Iraq, what's he doing in San Francisco, how long is he going to be here, who's he staying with, and does he want to talk?
All that... and so much more.
I keep thinking about that damned playground at the old Claire Lilienthal. I wonder if it's even there anymore... that old tire-swing...
That place had so much of my life. So many of my happiest memories.
So much of me is there... with him. It's going to hurt a lot of people to hear me say this, maybe, but Chris really was the first guy I honestly think I was in love with. But back then, I didn't know what love was, I didn't know anything! I was naive, I didn't know jack! So now it's been years, and I'm sure we're both different people... but he still came up to me, still GRABBED my hand... still apologized. For something that happened 5 years ago. 8, if you count the misery that WAS Middle School.
I can't wait for some Class of 1999 reunion! I'm sick of being told I can't find him because I don't know his email or his phone number! I know his name, his birthday, the fact that he has/had diabetes, the fact that his Mom's name is Teresa, and that he moved to Santa Cruz in 1999 and probably went to SCHS for high school! But... none of that can help me find him right now, right at this moment.
And it's never felt so... terrible.
The moment it all hit me, that I had really made a huge mistake, I just started crying. I was alone in box office, but I had to be there for another half hour until closing. And guests kept showing up for LotR, so I had to keep looking away, faking it, pretending to smile when all I wanted to do was break down. I wish I had fainted that night, wish that something would have kept me from just babbling off and hastening his departure. WHY, WHY, WHY didn't I ask him ANYTHING!? Not even a word of "Keep in touch" or "Talk to you later"!? Nothing.
I wanted to kick his ass so badly the past 5 years. Whenever I thought of him, I thought of how he betrayed me! My first real experience with that vile, acidic feeling, that dark, angry sensation that made me want to be someone I'm not-- violent, rude, thoughtless! I wanted to make him suffer for what he'd done to me-- but then I saw him, and everything just... stopped. Went silent, went dark. And he smiled, asked me if I remembered him, and... somehow, someway, I spoke. Robotic-like, or maybe in a trance. AND I FORGOT TO ASK ANYTHING IMPORTANT!!! I SAID NOTHING! I WAS SO STUPID!
I am stupid.
I wondered what it felt like to suffocate. This thought crossed my mind as I replaced the trashbags tonight. Could someone actually, knowingly suffocate themselves? Isn't it the kind of thing only babies can do? Thinking stuff like that is messed up. It's not me. I'm like Himeno, you know, where I see no need to regret or be depressed. But... I can't help it.
My leg is worse. The scar's gotten a lot uglier, and today it was hard to walk. My whole left leg cramped up, and I limped most of the day. It opened up when I bent down to replace my ticket stock, and pain was just shooting up and down my leg, like someone were digging a knife into it. I know it's nothing worth worrying over, though. It never is.
Mom still thinks I ruined Jill's wedding because of that fiasco with my wrist, and she'll never forgive me for it. The one time I truly felt sick, miserable, about to die, Mom refused to let me go to the doctor, claiming it was too expensive ($15). And why shouldn't I tough it out?
*Roar.*
I feel so damned pathetic. What happened to my creativity, my determination? I can't write, I can't think, I can't even eat! I wanted to throw up those damned Doritos I ate for 'lunch' earlier. And... my eyes feel dry and sore and puffy from all that damned crying, but...
I firmly believe I'm meant to learn everything the hard way. Nothing's ever come easy for me.
It's the bitter taste of losing everything you hold so dear...
Don't I know it! Why is it that Sarah McLachlan's music speaks to me so deeply these days?
I... I'm glad I'm hanging out with my friends tomorrow. I need it. I need something right now. I just don't know what exactly.
Or who.
I can.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about Chris since he showed up at the theater, and today I just broke down. I am such a fuck-up. I screwed up royally, big-time, immensely, impossibly! I am humiliated, embarrassed, saddened, heartbroken...
I missed my one chance to ask him all these pent up questions inside myself for nearly 5 years now. I missed my chance to ask him how he was, where he's been, how's his mom, how's his cat, how was high school, does he have a girlfriend, why is he in the Marines, is he going to Iraq, what's he doing in San Francisco, how long is he going to be here, who's he staying with, and does he want to talk?
All that... and so much more.
I keep thinking about that damned playground at the old Claire Lilienthal. I wonder if it's even there anymore... that old tire-swing...
That place had so much of my life. So many of my happiest memories.
So much of me is there... with him. It's going to hurt a lot of people to hear me say this, maybe, but Chris really was the first guy I honestly think I was in love with. But back then, I didn't know what love was, I didn't know anything! I was naive, I didn't know jack! So now it's been years, and I'm sure we're both different people... but he still came up to me, still GRABBED my hand... still apologized. For something that happened 5 years ago. 8, if you count the misery that WAS Middle School.
I can't wait for some Class of 1999 reunion! I'm sick of being told I can't find him because I don't know his email or his phone number! I know his name, his birthday, the fact that he has/had diabetes, the fact that his Mom's name is Teresa, and that he moved to Santa Cruz in 1999 and probably went to SCHS for high school! But... none of that can help me find him right now, right at this moment.
And it's never felt so... terrible.
The moment it all hit me, that I had really made a huge mistake, I just started crying. I was alone in box office, but I had to be there for another half hour until closing. And guests kept showing up for LotR, so I had to keep looking away, faking it, pretending to smile when all I wanted to do was break down. I wish I had fainted that night, wish that something would have kept me from just babbling off and hastening his departure. WHY, WHY, WHY didn't I ask him ANYTHING!? Not even a word of "Keep in touch" or "Talk to you later"!? Nothing.
I wanted to kick his ass so badly the past 5 years. Whenever I thought of him, I thought of how he betrayed me! My first real experience with that vile, acidic feeling, that dark, angry sensation that made me want to be someone I'm not-- violent, rude, thoughtless! I wanted to make him suffer for what he'd done to me-- but then I saw him, and everything just... stopped. Went silent, went dark. And he smiled, asked me if I remembered him, and... somehow, someway, I spoke. Robotic-like, or maybe in a trance. AND I FORGOT TO ASK ANYTHING IMPORTANT!!! I SAID NOTHING! I WAS SO STUPID!
I am stupid.
I wondered what it felt like to suffocate. This thought crossed my mind as I replaced the trashbags tonight. Could someone actually, knowingly suffocate themselves? Isn't it the kind of thing only babies can do? Thinking stuff like that is messed up. It's not me. I'm like Himeno, you know, where I see no need to regret or be depressed. But... I can't help it.
My leg is worse. The scar's gotten a lot uglier, and today it was hard to walk. My whole left leg cramped up, and I limped most of the day. It opened up when I bent down to replace my ticket stock, and pain was just shooting up and down my leg, like someone were digging a knife into it. I know it's nothing worth worrying over, though. It never is.
Mom still thinks I ruined Jill's wedding because of that fiasco with my wrist, and she'll never forgive me for it. The one time I truly felt sick, miserable, about to die, Mom refused to let me go to the doctor, claiming it was too expensive ($15). And why shouldn't I tough it out?
*Roar.*
I feel so damned pathetic. What happened to my creativity, my determination? I can't write, I can't think, I can't even eat! I wanted to throw up those damned Doritos I ate for 'lunch' earlier. And... my eyes feel dry and sore and puffy from all that damned crying, but...
I firmly believe I'm meant to learn everything the hard way. Nothing's ever come easy for me.
It's the bitter taste of losing everything you hold so dear...
Don't I know it! Why is it that Sarah McLachlan's music speaks to me so deeply these days?
I... I'm glad I'm hanging out with my friends tomorrow. I need it. I need something right now. I just don't know what exactly.
Or who.
