A public apology

A short while ago, I posted an entry basically venting about how a get-together with my friend Rochelle hadn't gone as I intended, and, a few days after the fact, Rochelle called me and basically "put me in my place," as it were. I had acted immaturely, but hadn't wanted to acknowledge it, let alone apologize to all the people I was with (that had been so generous and, for the most part, courteous to me).

After being "lectured," I was so upset that I just got off the phone with Rochelle and went right to my laptop to write. I didn't hop on LJ with the intention of "smack-talking" one of my friends, because I'm not the sort of person that does that. I went on LJ with the same intent I always do (when it comes to posting on my own personal journal): venting, expressing MYSELF, and putting my thoughts into coherent sentences. As a writer, I often find it easier to think as I'm typing, because when I try to just think, or when I try to think and talk (and I don't mean always, just in difficult situations), the words come out wrong. At least with typing, I can go back and edit, go back and look later, or simply find a new way of saying something that wasn't "right" in my head.

What I hope happened was that Rochelle and her friends happened to be at a mutual friend (of Rochelle's and mine)'s house, went on her computer, and said mutual friend happened to be logged onto LJ. I don't know if the page was open already or what, but long-story short, Rochelle saw my Friends-Locked entry that had included me "venting" about all this. Said entry is going to STAY friends-locked, not because I want to exclude people, but because that's how it was meant to be originally, and that's how it's going to stay. Suffice it to say, I was both complaining about the situation and being self-deprecating, which I hate. I don't like knocking down my own self-esteem, but I do it, especially after a friend puts me in my place. I also don't like apologizing for things I don't genuinely feel sorry for, but sometimes it does take a good verbal smack-down before someone can realize they did something stupid to be sorry for. That was the case with Rochelle, so when I realized how much I'd upset her and her friends (and mom), I genuinely was sorry.

What I was not sorry for (at the time) was posting the entry after I got off the phone, because I've always felt that my LJ is my space-- a place where I can write about whatever I want (and WHOever), whenever I want. I don't write "for an audience," because this isn't a blog out to make money or become famous. It's just my personal journal. I don't always lock every entry or make every entry private because I do welcome feedback, whether it's advice, complaints, compliments, or whatever. It's another way of staying in contact with friends, too.

Now, I realize not everyone is computer-inclined, and assuming that LJ by itself is a good way of keeping in touch with my friends (venting on LJ the way I would vent to my friends, if I were still up in San Francisco) is not good. I plan on changing that, and if I have a problem with someone (friend or otherwise), I'm going to try and bring it up with them FIRST, before going on LJ about it. I'm going to try and call my friends more often, because if I can't see them in person, hearing their voice (intonations) is a heck of a lot better than trying to figure something out from someone's "current mood" or smiley faces.

I can't change the fact that I posted the entry, that I neglected to tell Rochelle these things right after she called me, days later, or even a week later. Fact was, I had no reason to think she'd see it-- I had LOCKED it, after all. I know she doesn't have an LJ, isn't on Facebook, and rarely uses the computer to begin with. My preferred mode of communication is not hers, but we've managed to ay friends otherwise. What I didn't realize was, we had mutual friends, who would, of course, have reason to be concerned about some of the things I had said in there, and want to get Rochelle's side. That's perfectly reasonable.

Part of me is having a hard time reconciling the fact that I have a Friends List for a reason. To paraphrase Yuna from Final Fantasy X, "I have only as many friends as people I can trust." I've always thought I could trust the people I genuinely call my friends, whether I know them just online or online and in "real life." Trust, for me, means not taking something I put up in a clearly-locked post and showing it to someone not on the friend's list, whether they're mentioned in said LJ post or not. The thing is, I don't know if that's what happened at all, and it's entirely possible that Rochelle and Co. just stumbled on the post by accident. I'd love to believe that, but while the possibility still exists of it being the other way, I feel like there are people I have called friends that I can't trust.

While I'm guilty of not going to Rochelle and Co. about how I felt, this person is guilty of not coming to me directly and voicing their concerns. Instead, it feels like this person went behind my back (all cloak and dagger-like? BTW, despite the whole anonymity, it didn't take me too long to figure out who it is. If you care to comment on this entry, feel free, or get ahold of me another way) and turned me into the villain of this whole scenario. There is no villain in this. Everyone messed up somehow, and everyone's a victim. I'm not trying to shunt the blame for the Stupid Thing I did, though, I'm just saying I didn't do anything with malicious intent, feel bad for what I did do that, now in retrospect, was pretty stupid, and want to move past it, and not keep dragging it out. I like to treat every experience as a chance to learn, and I'd say I've had a pretty hard lesson rammed into my head here.

I would sincerely hope that nothing like this ever happens again, with Rochelle and her friends or with any of my other friends. But if I have to vent and for whatever reason, I don't confront said person right then and there, or directly, I may elect to "vent" here on LJ. But none of you will see it. I'm resolving to take those kind of issues and make them Private entries. That way, I myself can go back and look at them a few days later, figure out if there's something more I can or should do, and do them. Then, after the fact, I can unlock the post, maybe get some feedback if others feel it's warranted, and move on with my life.

I honestly thought that THIS issue was over with, because I felt Rochelle had rightly put me in my place and, after the call, I would have to "grow up" and move on. I'm a reactive sort though, so of course it took a few days, but eventually I DID heed her advice and try and move on, while trying to be more aware of how I act around others, friends or otherwise. I had no way of knowing that I'd somehow "fouled up" by posting an entry to my LJ, let alone that she would see it and be upset and expecting a call from me. I try and move on with issues in my life silently-- it's my "how to deal" strategy. Maybe it's not the best one, but it is the easiest for me, because it's not relying on others.

Trust is a major issue with me, and I hate thinking that I'm being hypocritical when I say I expected better of my friends. Rochelle waited out of politeness for a few days, but she had no problem with telling me "to my face" (so to speak) how I'd fucked up. But then the situation got more convoluted with my locked-post getting out to people who are not on my LJ friends list (even if they are "real life" friends and are involved in said posting), and then me hearing from other mutual friends that Rochelle had heard about it-- but not from them, because she was the one that TOLD THEM! Quite the tangled web.

I wouldn't call anyone my friend if I couldn't trust them to give me their honest opinion (and that includes "I honestly think you fucked up royally, Meredith"), but that doesn't mean someone does that AFTER they've essentially betrayed my trust by taking what's meant to be something for a private audience and making it public. I'd rather someone have told me "Hey Mer, maybe you should make this entry Private," or maybe "I think you should call Rochelle and tell her what you're feeling" instead of letting this shitstorm hit me full in the face. I didn't appreciate that one bit, and now I'm very wary of what I say on here, which is unfortunate.

Anyway, I hope I've cleared the air enough and haven't offended anyone further. To Rochelle, Ryan, Adrian, and Rose: again, I do apologize for my behavior. I further apologize for not saying how I felt that night, or for calling a few days after my post. I apologize that you guys had to find out what I thought the way you did, and I hope none of you think any less of me for it. I do hope we can still be friends.

I'm off to Las Vegas. Catch you on the flip side.