azurite | Stupid brain

Quite frankly I'm sick of having dreams of totally realistic scenarios that will never happen.

I say "never happen" because I've gotten it in my head that being imaginative means accepting the consequences of my overly-optimistic, far-fetched (though still realistic! Just "crazy" realistic) mind. Back in high school, I started to think, "If I've thought of it, it'll never happen that way. Life will throw me a curve ball." And it always does, except curve balls can sometimes be awfully boring and leave me wishing for a bit drama. That's like asking for trouble, isn't it?

I guess to be perfectly honest, the particular scenario that featured in this morning's dream wasn't entirely realistic, because I was in a class that FELT like a high school class with someone that most decidedly would never have been in a class with me. Furthermore, it was like the "present me" was suddenly zapped into my high-school self's body, because it was a class I was failing and didn't give a shit about-- that's more reminiscent of my junior year in high school, when I was apathetic about everything.

I've got a few fears I've realized recently, and they're a lot more poignant than being afraid of driving:

* I'm afraid that my attitude of wanting to help people will bite me in the ass, and I'll end up realizing that people aren't always going to WANT help, even if they need it, and will make sure you break down and start to hate the world. Or maybe I'll just end up that way on my own-- that scares me too.

* I'm afraid of sticking with my "one day at a time" motto and still moving on with my life, but having these tiny threads holding me back. What I mean is, memories of things or people I feel are left unresolved. Would it really be right for me to (eventually) move on, or at least think/pretend that I am? I don't think I'll ever be able to stop thinking about those events or people unless I get some kind of closure, even if it's not necessarily the closure I want. But something's better than nothing, and time heals all wounds and all that, right?

I'm sorry if I'm being vague. Dreams of this category tend to shake me up a bit more than most. Whatever happened to my high school dreams of giant robots?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Don't stop helping people! Seriously, one of the best things you can do when you're out and about is to help everyone have a nice day at the very least. People who honestly want to help people are rare, and that's probably why you're afraid it'll bite you in the ass; you feel what everyone else does, which is that an eager helper is often an anomaly.

But in the broad scheme of things, however people may react is not something to let that beat you down. There's an African proverb that says "I you want to walk fast, walk alone. If you want to walk far, walk with others." People who think they can snub assistance and always get by will be hurt in the end, and if you let their attitude get to you then you'll be in the same dump. Treat the situation with a smile and you'll pull through, and maybe the Jerk of the Day will even feel guilty and repent of his snobbery.

Seriously, when I'm in a store or restaurant and I go out of my way to be nice and supportive to the people who work there, I almost always get free stuff. That just goes to show you how apathetically a lot of people must be treated on a regular basis. Don't stop helping!

Also, get closure! I held onto a phone number for six years that a guy gave me a long time ago, and I was always afraid to call him back because of how I feared he'd changed. In the end the phone number didn't even work; I'd waited too long. Get your closure, and if you get bad reception then just consider that the best you can do. Don't live just for today! Your past and future are just as important to where you are now.

In other news, God told me that if we finish the harbor scene then your dreams of giant robots will return in technicolor and surround sound. In HD. And He will extend the days to thirty hours so that we have actual free time to do it. It will happen!

It's certainly not that I want to stop being nice, but it's that if I keep up my attitude of wanting to help out people that I feel, for whatever reason, don't meet MY standards, they'll lash out and against me and make me feel like helping others is useless. One of those incidences can be enough to negate hundreds of people who have been enthusiastic and honestly grateful for when I've helped them with things that I take for granted, like my computer knowledge.

For example, I always try to leave concrit on fics, but sometimes the way I phrase things either isn't helpful or just came across differently from me to the author. I try and explain things so that my reviews aren't the sort one rants about on

fanficrants, but I've had at least one time when an author was like "Uh, I KNOW all that stuff you told me; the mistakes I made in this fic were just a one-time thing, and you really shouldn't talk to people like they don't know anything." Or something to that effect, but basically there was a miscommunication, because I certainly didn't intend to come off as a condescending know-it-all who is the Queen of Fic. Otherwise, I wouldn't need a beta myself, would I!?

But to be honest, that author that claimed their one fic was riddled with a basic mistake was just a "one time thing?" I found it in a lot of their subsequent fics. I wanted to comment, because I liked the stories as a whole, but I felt mentioning the same thing again would just be beating a dead horse or whatnot. As a result, I've stopped reading her fics. Maybe that's no skin off her nose, but part of me feels like I'm missing out on good storylines because I'm too exacting-- I want my fics to have proper grammar and punctuation! Maybe my idea of "proper" is too hardcore for other people, who, even if they're writing for adult fandoms or write adult plotlines, just do it "for fun" and thus don't care to the level that I do.

My problem is (with most everything), I put in 110%, and if I feel like I'm not getting a return on my investment, I get disappointed. I want others to be as passionate as the things I care about as I am, but one can't force that sort of thing on others.

*sigh* Sorry for babbling there. Anyway, I do want to finish the harbor scene, and I'm sorry for not being online often. A lot's been happening the past few days and I'm just playing catch-up at the moment. Hopefully I won't be too bogged down with homework so that I can find a free moment to get online (and I won't get distracted by the myriad other things I have to do or other Bright Shiny Objects).

"Uh, I KNOW all that stuff you told me; the mistakes I made in this fic were just a one-time thing, and you really shouldn't talk to people like they don't know anything."

Know what that makes me think of? The Snapesnogger Chronicles.

Yeah, it stinks sometimes. Lately I've been wondering which is more ethically moral: correcting wrongs or allowing people to be as sloppy as they feel like it. Should I patiently wait for that idiot who stops on the entrance ramp while waiting for a spot in the traffic, or should I honk the crap out of them because yes, it is illegal, and yes, it is extremely dangerous? The question we have to ask ourselves is what our duty to humanity spells out for us alone. Should the quality of humanity be dependent on the assistance of a few who want a roundness in the spectrum or allowed to slip backwards into the monotony of mob mentality?

Change your approach. It obviously isn't working for you, and you may be allowing yourself too much of a set mold for support. Honestly, sometimes it's better to pull a little psychological twists on them. So, they get bitchy when you try to tell them they haven't the grammar abilities of an East African Walrus, then make it sound like it was their idea all along, like you're so honored to help them out. They might change it, and you can have your little joke all to yourself.

Then again, is it morally responsible to allow the selfish attitude to continue by belittling yourself? Another question. That circle of protection, letting you do as you please and shielding you from the backlashes of the world, does it exist? Is it true? Can we overcome the drawbacks of the world while keeping our own standards static? Does true helpfulness come from having those set standards and acting on them accordingly or changing for everyone, and then who does that truly gratify?

/nonsense crap

Oh, philosophy. Why have you done this to me? Wry?

Yeah, this is the busiest I've been all month. There is some evil overlord keeping us apart for the sheer thrill of watching us writhe in cliffhangering pain. Should we try this weekend again...? I remember I had something I wanted to say about something in the scene...will you send me the updated file so I can poke at the new stuff? I don't want to forget.

Oh yeah, and as for the closure thing...
Well, the particular person that I dreamed of never gave me his number. I'd be astonished if he DIDN'T know I'd liked him (especially after all this time), but contacting him now seems a bit... crazy, especially as I couldn't see him. It's not as if we were ever "friends," either. I just really looked up to him as a mentor, and that kind of snowballed into a crush that became something of a love-hate relationship (on my end alone).

There's another guy who I was childhood friends with but who ditched me in a very mean way. The last time I saw him was when I was working a dead-end job between high school and college and he came to that job (a movie theatre), saw me, and told me he was sorry for what he did to me. I was half asleep at the time, exhausted from a full day, and I was in absolute shock. I thought I was dreaming, and because I was so brainwashed into doing my job well, I felt I couldn't leave the line or ask my supervisor for an immediate break to ask after my old friend's health or anything.

He told me he was in the Marines, but that was the last I heard of him. He didn't stick around to see a movie. He's also got a rather common name, so looking up him at any point over the years has proven fruitless; I don't even know if he went to university or what the name of his high school was.

If I could find him, I'd contact him in a New York minute, just for the relief of knowing he's alive and well somewhere. But I can't even have that, so in both cases, I feel like I'm just left hanging and wondering what a conversation between me and either of these guys would go like.

Dx

You are reading the book of my life. Don't you wish everyone could contact anyone no matter where they were, and exactly the opposite at the same time? There is a fine line between desperation and curiosity and most of the time I feel I'm on both sides.

Stupid brain

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