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So spend the rest of your life with the lights on, because it all amounts to nothing in the end
*sigh* I feel weird. Scott's finally here-- you'd think I'd be bouncing off the wall with happiness, since it's been over a month since I've seen him last. And I am happy, but I'm also a bit bummed too, and I really don't know why. It might be tied to my mom, of course-- she was very upset early this morning when I got up to go to the bathroom-- she was basically running around the kitchen on Hyper Mode, and when I finally got her to slow down, she burst into tears.
I've got this mental impression of my mom as a take-on-the-world, no-prisoners, no-holds-barred kind of woman-- single mother, survived more shit than a toilet, you know the story. But she has been disliking her job for a long time now-- and to make matters worse, people both of us thought were FRIENDS (I mean, Mom goes out of her way to introduce me to them when I visit her at work) are making fun of my mom: she's the one who's twice their age, but she has no degree, and supposedly she's "disorganized" (which is a load of bull, btw: she's plenty more organized than them) and instead of wanting to discuss methods of operation and production, they just get all bossy. I really wish I could help her out somehow, but...
I left San Francisco in part because I wanted to get AWAY from her. I thought I'd be doing her a favor, too-- after all, it'd mean less she'd have to pay for and worry about. But she's all alone in this big house, working at a job she doesn't like and doesn't help her much with bills... I feel like I should be contributing, and seriously getting a job between school and everything, but... I'm just making excuses, huh?
Is it selfish of me to want to spend the $2000 leftover financial aid on Japan, instead of sending it to her? I really want to go, more than anything-- even if I don't go on/near my birthday.
I also want to actually mature in the way Scott and my Mom both have, so I don't have to go crying/whining/bitching to them about anything-- I want to be independent, and able to handle myself on my own. But just as it's scary for my mom to deal with the prospect of getting a new job after 16 years of "stability" at the job she's had, it's scary for me to consider myself abruptly on my own, without a safety net or any support of any kind.
Still, I hate seeing anyone cry.
...Well, for every cloud there's a silver lining, right? I've gotten inspired for some angst to balance out the spa-worthy steam coming up in WDKY16 (don'tcha all just LOVE me?), plus I'm really truly almost done with 15's revisions and additions. I'll send it to Kysra and Mamono... but I haven't heard from Atlantis in ages, so... unless she wants me to keep pestering her (that is, she sends me an email saying so) then I'll stick to the frequently-addled-by-Me club.
Plus there's juicy-ness for CO7, inspired by my delish purchase (and lucky, too!) of Sarah Brightman's NON-LIVE Harem CD! *giggles madly* Kysra, thank you bazillions of times over for introducing me to her (again)! ^_^
OMG! Blue Eyes and Apricots officially has 200+ members!! It's time for a new layout, new features, and tons more work for Az! But I'm hyped and excited and YAAAAAAAAY! Thank you, everyone!
Some minor stuff:
Didja check out my Pics gallery? It's replacing Snapshot, soon enough. More pictures soon.
I'm a Deviant!
...Hmmm, yep. I wonder if during the course of this adventure, I'll have to explain to Scott why/where my journal is online. He didn't quite get that it even COULD be until recently-- it was kind of cute.
I've got this mental impression of my mom as a take-on-the-world, no-prisoners, no-holds-barred kind of woman-- single mother, survived more shit than a toilet, you know the story. But she has been disliking her job for a long time now-- and to make matters worse, people both of us thought were FRIENDS (I mean, Mom goes out of her way to introduce me to them when I visit her at work) are making fun of my mom: she's the one who's twice their age, but she has no degree, and supposedly she's "disorganized" (which is a load of bull, btw: she's plenty more organized than them) and instead of wanting to discuss methods of operation and production, they just get all bossy. I really wish I could help her out somehow, but...
I left San Francisco in part because I wanted to get AWAY from her. I thought I'd be doing her a favor, too-- after all, it'd mean less she'd have to pay for and worry about. But she's all alone in this big house, working at a job she doesn't like and doesn't help her much with bills... I feel like I should be contributing, and seriously getting a job between school and everything, but... I'm just making excuses, huh?
Is it selfish of me to want to spend the $2000 leftover financial aid on Japan, instead of sending it to her? I really want to go, more than anything-- even if I don't go on/near my birthday.
I also want to actually mature in the way Scott and my Mom both have, so I don't have to go crying/whining/bitching to them about anything-- I want to be independent, and able to handle myself on my own. But just as it's scary for my mom to deal with the prospect of getting a new job after 16 years of "stability" at the job she's had, it's scary for me to consider myself abruptly on my own, without a safety net or any support of any kind.
Still, I hate seeing anyone cry.
...Well, for every cloud there's a silver lining, right? I've gotten inspired for some angst to balance out the spa-worthy steam coming up in WDKY16 (don'tcha all just LOVE me?), plus I'm really truly almost done with 15's revisions and additions. I'll send it to Kysra and Mamono... but I haven't heard from Atlantis in ages, so... unless she wants me to keep pestering her (that is, she sends me an email saying so) then I'll stick to the frequently-addled-by-Me club.
Plus there's juicy-ness for CO7, inspired by my delish purchase (and lucky, too!) of Sarah Brightman's NON-LIVE Harem CD! *giggles madly* Kysra, thank you bazillions of times over for introducing me to her (again)! ^_^
OMG! Blue Eyes and Apricots officially has 200+ members!! It's time for a new layout, new features, and tons more work for Az! But I'm hyped and excited and YAAAAAAAAY! Thank you, everyone!
Some minor stuff:
Didja check out my Pics gallery? It's replacing Snapshot, soon enough. More pictures soon.
I'm a Deviant!
...Hmmm, yep. I wonder if during the course of this adventure, I'll have to explain to Scott why/where my journal is online. He didn't quite get that it even COULD be until recently-- it was kind of cute.