![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Stupid brain
Quite frankly I'm sick of having dreams of totally realistic scenarios that will never happen.
I say "never happen" because I've gotten it in my head that being imaginative means accepting the consequences of my overly-optimistic, far-fetched (though still realistic! Just "crazy" realistic) mind. Back in high school, I started to think, "If I've thought of it, it'll never happen that way. Life will throw me a curve ball." And it always does, except curve balls can sometimes be awfully boring and leave me wishing for a bit drama. That's like asking for trouble, isn't it?
I guess to be perfectly honest, the particular scenario that featured in this morning's dream wasn't entirely realistic, because I was in a class that FELT like a high school class with someone that most decidedly would never have been in a class with me. Furthermore, it was like the "present me" was suddenly zapped into my high-school self's body, because it was a class I was failing and didn't give a shit about-- that's more reminiscent of my junior year in high school, when I was apathetic about everything.
I've got a few fears I've realized recently, and they're a lot more poignant than being afraid of driving:
* I'm afraid that my attitude of wanting to help people will bite me in the ass, and I'll end up realizing that people aren't always going to WANT help, even if they need it, and will make sure you break down and start to hate the world. Or maybe I'll just end up that way on my own-- that scares me too.
* I'm afraid of sticking with my "one day at a time" motto and still moving on with my life, but having these tiny threads holding me back. What I mean is, memories of things or people I feel are left unresolved. Would it really be right for me to (eventually) move on, or at least think/pretend that I am? I don't think I'll ever be able to stop thinking about those events or people unless I get some kind of closure, even if it's not necessarily the closure I want. But something's better than nothing, and time heals all wounds and all that, right?
I'm sorry if I'm being vague. Dreams of this category tend to shake me up a bit more than most. Whatever happened to my high school dreams of giant robots?
I say "never happen" because I've gotten it in my head that being imaginative means accepting the consequences of my overly-optimistic, far-fetched (though still realistic! Just "crazy" realistic) mind. Back in high school, I started to think, "If I've thought of it, it'll never happen that way. Life will throw me a curve ball." And it always does, except curve balls can sometimes be awfully boring and leave me wishing for a bit drama. That's like asking for trouble, isn't it?
I guess to be perfectly honest, the particular scenario that featured in this morning's dream wasn't entirely realistic, because I was in a class that FELT like a high school class with someone that most decidedly would never have been in a class with me. Furthermore, it was like the "present me" was suddenly zapped into my high-school self's body, because it was a class I was failing and didn't give a shit about-- that's more reminiscent of my junior year in high school, when I was apathetic about everything.
I've got a few fears I've realized recently, and they're a lot more poignant than being afraid of driving:
* I'm afraid that my attitude of wanting to help people will bite me in the ass, and I'll end up realizing that people aren't always going to WANT help, even if they need it, and will make sure you break down and start to hate the world. Or maybe I'll just end up that way on my own-- that scares me too.
* I'm afraid of sticking with my "one day at a time" motto and still moving on with my life, but having these tiny threads holding me back. What I mean is, memories of things or people I feel are left unresolved. Would it really be right for me to (eventually) move on, or at least think/pretend that I am? I don't think I'll ever be able to stop thinking about those events or people unless I get some kind of closure, even if it's not necessarily the closure I want. But something's better than nothing, and time heals all wounds and all that, right?
I'm sorry if I'm being vague. Dreams of this category tend to shake me up a bit more than most. Whatever happened to my high school dreams of giant robots?
Re: D:
Well, the particular person that I dreamed of never gave me his number. I'd be astonished if he DIDN'T know I'd liked him (especially after all this time), but contacting him now seems a bit... crazy, especially as I couldn't see him. It's not as if we were ever "friends," either. I just really looked up to him as a mentor, and that kind of snowballed into a crush that became something of a love-hate relationship (on my end alone).
There's another guy who I was childhood friends with but who ditched me in a very mean way. The last time I saw him was when I was working a dead-end job between high school and college and he came to that job (a movie theatre), saw me, and told me he was sorry for what he did to me. I was half asleep at the time, exhausted from a full day, and I was in absolute shock. I thought I was dreaming, and because I was so brainwashed into doing my job well, I felt I couldn't leave the line or ask my supervisor for an immediate break to ask after my old friend's health or anything.
He told me he was in the Marines, but that was the last I heard of him. He didn't stick around to see a movie. He's also got a rather common name, so looking up him at any point over the years has proven fruitless; I don't even know if he went to university or what the name of his high school was.
If I could find him, I'd contact him in a New York minute, just for the relief of knowing he's alive and well somewhere. But I can't even have that, so in both cases, I feel like I'm just left hanging and wondering what a conversation between me and either of these guys would go like.
Re: D:
You are reading the book of my life. Don't you wish everyone could contact anyone no matter where they were, and exactly the opposite at the same time? There is a fine line between desperation and curiosity and most of the time I feel I'm on both sides.