azurite: (twilight - fursplode!)
[personal profile] azurite
So I saw "Eclipse" the other night with Stephanie. I didn't pay for it: she used passes! So I have kept my promise of never paying for anything involving "Twilight," except for the time I saw the first movie, and that was genuinely for the LULZ. I was so obnoxious--and I admit it!--during the screening that it more than made up for the cost of the movie and the Junior Mints I think I ate. I wasn't quite as obnoxious during this screening, but it was great to know there were other folks in the theatre who just saw it for the LULZ.

First off, it just wasn't as funny as "Twilight" was. I haven't seen "New Moon," so I can't really attest to that movie's accidental humor, but considering the movie isn't SUPPOSED to be funny, does that mean it's actually succeeded in what it set out to do?

It failed on a few actually important fronts, though:
* Music wasn't nearly as catchy or important to the feel of the movie as the first one. For me, this is a big deal. Ever since I noticed how the music really got me into the characters and the plot of a movie, I pay much more attention to it (or its absence), and this movie just didn't have anything really catching one way or another. I did notice the silence, though, which might have made the scenes less tense than they should have been.

* I wasn't on the edge of my seat with hand-waving heat rushing over me, watching the smexy chemistry between Edward/Robert and Bella/Kristen. I still smack-talked Bella's sheer stupidity throughout the movie, and both Edward and Jake's blindness for being so wildly in love with a girl whose one character "flaw" seems to be that she's klutzy. Of course, that's a weakness of the crappy original story, not the screenplay. It can only change so much about the books without needing a new title and risking the ire of all those frightening fans.

* What the fuck is up with that whole Bree Tanner thing? I don't remember the exact scene in "Eclipse," so I wasn't sure if this was just from the new novella Meyer came out with before the movie's release, but apparently she's a newborn that was part of Victoria's army. She surrendered to Carlisle and...got killed by Jane for it. Being that I haven't (probably won't) read the novella, I'm not sure of all the details, and I'm sure the movie left plenty out, but the fact that she surrendered to Carlisle and he and the rest of the Cullens STILL LET HER DIE pisses me off. Bella saw this, if I'm not mistaken, and she still regards the Cullens (never mind the Volturi, whom she knows are batshit insane, if you'll forgive the lore-pun) as all awesome and wonderful--enough to give up her real, biological family, as fumbling through their lives as they are?

That, in itself, is another aspect of my rage: Bella claims to be so out-of-step with the real world until she meets Edward and the Cullens, and that, despite going through all kinds of near-death experiences and the very real losses she'd face on becoming a vampire, she wants to be part of that. We're supposed to consider that as romantic, but it's really just GREASE all over again: girl changes for guy without knowing a damn thing about herself or her own potential on her own two feet. It just makes me think Bella is stupid and, rather than be a "skin" for me, the reader/viewer, disconnects her from me even more. I can't relate to someone so airheaded, I really can't.

Some surprisingly good aspects:
* Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart have improved BUCKETLOADS in their acting. Also, RPattz has turned his nose flare into something of a "signature move." (Also his chest hair seems to be making ungroomed guys popular again. So long, metrosexuals!?) Kristin Stewart has clearly matured, but she still looks too damn pretty to be a plain "Bella" like the book describes. How do you turn someone who's already pretty into a drop-dead (pun intended) gorgeous vampire? I'm kind of afraid of the possibilities....

* Taylor Lautner is incredibly hot. It was all Stephanie's fault for consistently pointing it out, but the guy's got some seriously nice arms...among other parts we got to see.... *wipes drool off* Yeah, so even if metrosexuals go the way of the dinosaurs, I still think he's the hotter of the two. RPattz I'd treat to a beer and laugh at all the escapades of his crazy fans; Lautner I would flirt with shamelessly and try to charm into my bed. >:}

* I really liked Charlie. I wanted to see him polishing his shotgun more often, though. Hah!

I can't remember if "Eclipse" was the book I liked the most out of the series, but it did leave the most potential, I think: we've got tension with Edward, Bella, and Jacob all around--more palpable this time because of Bella's "feelings" for Jacob and his forcefulness--and correctness--that he'd be right for her, but also Edward's annoying sense of propriety, including letting Jacob know about the engagement despite it being against Bella's wishes.

We start to think that Bella can actually stand up for herself, except her idea of "saving" Edward in his fight with Victoria and Riley is to cut herself like an ancient Quileute wife did. I'm sure Meyer thought she was being real original with that old council story and bringing it back just so Bella could use her own blood to torture some vamps with, but I saw it coming from a mile away and thought it was very trite.

I really, really wish they would do something completely different with "Breaking Dawn." I think even die-hard fans of the series found lots to be disappointed with in that book, and even if the movie spans two parts, the only honest-to-Dracula decent thing to look forward to is Bella's eventual transformation. The wedding isn't really all that much (because blah! Bella has suddenly flushed whatever character she may have had and is letting Alice take over and plan it all out, because all Bella can do with her spare time is make moony eyes at Edward McSparkleThighs), and I really wish Renesmee wasn't even a character...but the Volturi fight? That could actually be something AWESOME, if only there actually was a fight!

I'm a big proponent of the idea of "the best offense is a good defense." I think Bella's eventual shielding ability (again: predictable in its own cute, trite way, but I thought vampires with additional abilities are supposed to be RARE?! Why do so many of the Cullens/Hales have them?) could be used to reflect abilities BACK ON THEIR OWNER, or even work with some of the other vamps, like that one who had elemental powers...that would make for such a better awesome scene than some lame stand-off involving people with bad contacts and too much eyeliner staring at one another.

The way I see it, "Breaking Dawn" Part 1 will probably be everything up to Bella's transformation, and the second part will be everything after. For some reason, I can actually picture a credit roll happening right after Bella's eyes fly open and they're blood red. :D :D :D

....Twilight still sucks. I still am halfway-tempted to write that Twilight/xxxHolic crossover where everyone dies and Bella, in order to "save" them, goes to meet Yuuko in Japan and pays the price of her vampirism (and possibly her relationship with Edward, because Yuuko is a masochist like that) in order to go back and time and "fix" things. But because she goes back to the time when she first met Edward and now she herself is a vampire that's slowly reverting into a fragile human, things go differently.... Heh!

So. In short: movie was slightly amusing but not even worth a bucket of popcorn.

January 2016

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